Of all the worries I had, deciding to come out, this one was easily one of the least. And yet, it seems to crop up the most frequently. The problem? Heterosexual women find out I'm gay (bi, whatever) and instantly get all skittish because they're worried that I'm going to hit on them.
Ladies, please. Just because I like women doesn't mean I'm instantly into you.
In all likelihood, I'm not into you.
Because when I meet a girl who takes my breath away, a girl who is physically my type or has the kind of personality that I'm a sucker for or whatever, I'm most likely to dig myself a nice little nook in the closet and stay in there. Why? Because like any shy person with a crush, I don't want her to know I like her. I don't want to be rejected with the "Eww, yuck, lesbians are gross," or even worse, "Eww, yuck, you're gross." I don't want her to not want to be around me because it's awkward to be around someone who likes you. Hell, I don't want her to reciprocate, putting me in a situation where I have to be the one rejecting her because I'm married and won't cheat on my husband.
If I'm openly talking around hot girls when you're around, I'm probably not into you.
There are actually very few women that I am into. I'm picky. Not desperate.
What do I like? I like girls with some skoosh to them. Smallish to average in the chest. Nice and soft in the backside. I like short girls. Girls with dark hair. Sweet girls, maybe a little shy. Affectionate girls.
One of my dearest friends is short, skooshy, sweet, shy, and has dark hair. Yet I'm not attracted to her. Why? Search me. I don't decide who flips my switch and who doesn't. But I wouldn't sleep with her, even if I were single. She's just not the one.
And yet, that girl I met at Ohayocon a few years ago, the one with the MASSIVE chest and ... well honestly I don't know what color her hair was because she was wearing a wig? She was so hot to me. Oh man. What a lady. Mmmph.
There seems to be this notion that all LGBTQ folks are oversexed and constantly looking for a mate or a fling or whatever. That's true of some, but it's true of some non-LGBTQs as well. I mean, we all knew That Guy in college who was always trying to get laid, right? That Girl who went out to the bars three times a week and never went home with the same guy? Hell, we see it in fiction. If the words "Mikael Blomkvist" or "Captain Jack Harkness" or "James Bond" don't paint a picture for you, you need to brush up on your pop culture because, jeez.
We're not all like that. Not all humans are like that. Some of us are very picky about who we find attractive. And let me clarify here that "attractive" isn't the same as "pretty" or "handsome" or whatever - I can look at a woman and recognize that she's nice to look at without being attracted to her. If I say to you that you look nice or that I like your shirt or that your shoes are cool, I am not trying to seduce you. I'm trying to compliment you. That's it. Like saying that your bike is seriously sweet or that your latest embroidery project looks professional. Just a nicety. Recognition of the positive.
Why does that get me treated like the icky lesbian I mean really.
Lots of heterosexuals claim that they're not homophobic, defining homophobia as that thing that makes you go out and bully/abuse/kill gays. I'll buy that. Most people I know aren't killers.
But folks, homophobia means a phobia of homosexuality. That doesn't just mean fear of homosexuals (and bisexuals, transsexuals, pansexuals, omnisexuals, asexuals, blah blah blahsexuals). It also means fear of your own homosexuality, real or perceived. It means fear of being around homosexuals (or anyone with any degree of homosexuality) because you're afraid of responding to it. It's okay to talk about hot guys and have me chime in about a hot girl. That doesn't mean you're gay or that I'm interested in you. It's okay to say "thank you" when I tell you I like your hairstyle. I don't want to have sex with it, or you for that matter.
There's a line in that amazing "It Gets Better" video that goes like this:
"Everyone made fun of Shannon 'cause she kissed a girl, so she hid her head and closed her mouth and shut out all the world. She is brilliant smart and funny, kind and talented but hey - doesn't matter what she is 'cause all she is to them is gay."
It's true. I come out because I don't feel like keeping a very integral part of me a secret, and all of a sudden my female friends no longer see anything about me but my sexual orientation. I'm no longer that girl who cooks amazing food and makes her own clothes and bicycles 150 miles a week and loves to talk about immigration and religion and anime and cross-culturalism (probably a little too much). I'm That Lesbian Who Might Be Hitting On Them Whenever I Look At Them Or Open My Mouth.
I always wondered why I had so many more male friends than female. I bet you that's why, right there. And that fucking sucks.
So to conclude: Ladies, the lesbians of the world probably want nothing to do with you beyond friendship. Chill the fuck out and get over yourselves.
Love,
Me
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